Benjamin Kieran Hall

* ☆ *This is the story of our strong, beautiful baby son, who we sadly lost but will never forget and always love. He touched so many hearts in his short life and we promised him we would always keep his memory alive.* ☆ *

My pregnancy was far from text book, in the first twelve weeks I began to loose blood, so the doctor told me to prepare myself just incase I was having a misscarriage. The bleeding continued for a few weeks and after many doctors appointments I was finally booked in for an early scan. I seven weeks. The scan was perfect the baby was in the correct place growing well and had a very strong heartbeat, I was so relieved and shortly after this the bleeding stopped.
On the 1st October 2008 we had our twelve week scan this was the first time Mathew got to see our baby. Everything was fine, still growing well and very active, we left the hospital with huge smiles. We must have visited everyone in our families showing them our little baby that day. At 18 weeks I began to feel our little baby moving around it was so amazing I would lie for hours feeling my stomach in amazment. My twenty week scan seemed to come around quickly after and we couldn't wait to see how much our baby had grown. We had already decided to find out if 'smudgey' was a little boy or girl. As soon as we got to the hospital we went straight in for the scan, i can remember lying on the bed for what seemed like an eternaty, it was so silent whilst she took the meassurments and checked everything. I remember looking at Mathew and thinking whats wrong? After a about 15 minutes she turned the screen to us and said that our baby is perfect, growing well and that everything was fine. Then she asked " do you want to know the sex?" We both answered excitedly "yes pleaase" at first she tried to show us on the scan but little 'smudgey had other ideas. Luckily whilst she was checking everything she managed to get a glimpse and told us we were having a little Boy!! We were so happy. Mathew was made up he started talking football etc...
Every thing seemed to be going so well. He was kicking more and more each day and every time they were getting stronger. We would lie on the bed and play ' Jeffersons Starship: Nothings gonna stop us now ' and he would kick along, it always made us smile. We began to go out buying little bits and pieces in preparation for his arrival and we had evan decided on a name ' Benjamin-Kieran '. We were so happy, we thought nothing was going to go wrong.
We were so wrong.
On the 3rd January 2009 i was 24+4 weeks. I was in work when I couldn't stop itching, my stomach was read raw so were my hands and feet. When I came home I showed mum and she said to just phone the hospital to be on the safe side. They told me to go straight down to the maternity ward and they would check me over in the assesment unit, I still thought nothing more of it. I got there and they done a routine antenatal check, when they took my blood pressure the nurse never said anything to us, she just left the room and came back with a different machine and there was another nurse with her. They took my blood pressure again (I just assumed the other machine wasn't working). Then they started asking me if I had been suffering headaches, blurred vison or swelling. I hadn't, only the odd headache but that was normal. I was still none the wiser of what was going on and thought they were over re-acting. After about an hour the consultant on call came to see me, i was told to lie on the bed, she listened to the baby and his heartbeat was fine (he seemed happy enough, active as ever). Then she took my blood pressure again this time manually, and shook her head ( i was really confused by this point, I was thinking I came down with a rash and you haven't even looked at it yet). She then started to check my reflexes and shook her head again, she then asked for a urine sample and left. After about another hour she came back. She told me that my blood pressure was extreemly high and reflexes were on the slow side. She explained that she was very concerned as I was showing syptoms of Pre-eclampsia. They took some blood and I was admitted into hospital. The next day my blood results came back I had Obstetric Cholestasis ( o.c), this is what was causing all the itching and i was put on medication straight away. My blood pressure still remained high and there was protien in my urine. More tests showed that I had pre-eclampsia, I was put on Labetalol to try and control my blood pressure. I was also given two steriod injections to prepare the baby's lungs incase he had to come early. I was discharged on the Tuesday and told that i had to go to antenatal every two days to have a scan to make sure the baby was ok and to have my blood pressure checked.
I turned 21 on the Thursday but i was still feeling so poorly, so I decided not to celebrate. Then on Sunday 11th January I was out having lunch with my family. I had felt fine all day but five minutes in to the journey home I came over all funny and began to have pain in my back, side,stomach and head. My mum phoned the maternity ward and was told to take me straight down. When i arrived I had my blood pressure taken and it was extreemly high, they also listened to the baby's heartbeat, all seemed fine. I was taken over to the labour ward for one to one monitoring. I can remember thinking please God let everything be o.k, please let my little boy be ok. The next day I was put back on the maternity ward and was sent down to have a scan. The scan wasn't the best it showed that the blood dopplers were starting to reverse, the nurse said that the consultant would have to explain more. Back up on the ward my consultant came to see me and explained that I would need to have a scan the next morning and if the blood dopplers were any worse then they would have to deliver the baby as he would stand a better chance of survival. My head was all over the place. They had arranged for a doctor from the Neonatal unit to come down and talk to us about what would happen if my baby was born early and she even showed us around the unit. The rest of the day passed so slowly I couldnt help but plead with God "please let my scan be o.k tomorrow". I hardly slept that night.
It was the morning of Tuesday 13th January 2009 and time to go for my scan, my worst fears were comfirmed, the blood dopplers were worse than the previous day and my baby was beginning to suffer. My world was shattered it all seemed to happen so quickly. The nurse took the baby's meassurments and told me to expect a baby 1lb in weight and about 10 inches long. I was so scared as I was only 26+1 weeks and I had been told the baby had 80 percent chance of survival. I remeber seeing all different doctors prior to the cesarean, but nothing they were telling me was going in. Mathew was so confused too he was just pacing back and forth and felt sick. At 3pm the time had come I was walked over to the labour ward and all our families were shown to the waiting room. Then twenty minutes later I was walked to theatre, Mathew had to change in to scrubs and wait out side whilst they gave me my spinal. I dont really remember much, the room seemed so bare, very white with a little table in the centre. I was given the spinal, led down on the table and had to wait for it to work. I felt like I was led there for hour but it was only fifteen minutes. Then Mathew was by my side. At 4pm they began to cut me open and then 12 minutes later our little boy had arrived. I never got to see him as he was whisked straight off to the baby doctors. After about five minutes Mathew was taken to see him, as he walked back in to the theatre I new he was ok, the smile on Mathew's face said all i needed to know. I kept asking what he was like, so the anesthetist took a photgraph of him so I could see. He was beautiful, so tiny but so perfect. It took until 5pm to close me back up and during that my heart rate began to drop and went below thirty and all I can remember was hearing the anesthetist shout "stop the procedure". Mathew told me, I began to go all funny and couldn't keep my eyes open and that my colour began to fade, but as soon as they gave me an adrenalin injection I come back around. All the family came to see me once i had come around but all I really wanted was to see my little boy. The midwife looking after me phoned the ward and she was told he was doing well, he scored 9 on his apgar test which was brilliant considering he was so early. He weighed a tiny 1lb 9.5oz but they were unable to meassure his length as his skin was too delicate for them to mess about with him. Later on that eveing one of the nurses who was looking after Ben came down to see me, she told me he was doing well and brought a photograph of him for me. That night seemed to pass so slowly. I woke every hour hoping it was morning.
The next morning when I got to see him I couldn't believe that he was mine, he was perfect and every feature of his little face was so delicate but perfect. He was under phototherapy lights for jaundice, he was on the ventilator and had several wires connecting to machines. His skin was transparent you could see every tiny vein and his little eyes were still fused. It was so over whelming and I felt so helpless. The doctor came over and informed us that they had done a routine head scan and that it showed no abnormalities or bleeds, but the echo cardio gram had shown that there was a PDA (patent ductus arterious) present, they weren't overly concerned as these ducts are common in pre-term babies. However they were concerned that he wasn't passing urine and seemed to be retaining fluid. Apart from this he was fine, he was kicking his little legs and wriggling about. Throughout that night the doctors concerns grew as he still hadn't passed urine so they called us up to the ward and told us that if he didn't start passing urine then we could have to say our goodbyes. Our worlds came crashing down around us. We had him blessed and took loads of photographs. We were so scared but the doctor said there was one more thing they could try. They had to catheterize him and they put him on medicines to increase his blood pressure. After about an hour he began to pass fluid and his sat's began to increase this was a huge relief. We were told this was renal failure. Due to this he couldn't have the medicine which is usually used to close the PDA but luckily after another scan the doctors noticed his began to close itself. After this we had many good days with Ben. I began to do his daily cares: change his nappies, clean his little body, clean his mouth, help change his sheets and put olive oil on his skin to stop it going dry. The day he first opened his eyes i will never forget me and Mathew sat watching him im awe for hours as he tried so hard to get then open . The faces he was pulling were so amusing then all of a sudden he would scrunch his face up in a temper. I remember we started chuckling then all of a sudden he had managed to open one eye not fully it was only half open but we were so proud of him, we started to call him Popeye! It was a week later before he managed to open the other eye but he pulled the same little faces again. He began to make huge progress. He was taken off the ventilator and put on C Pap he did so well on this but due to his prematurity we knew he would need some help and was put onto Bi Pap Trigger which he was on for a week, this is when we got to hear him cry for the first time. It was so quiet and sounded like a little mouse, it brought a tear to my eye. Then he began to have Brady's and had CPR twice. Due to him having a high temperature we got to have our first cuddles with him and it was the most amazing feeling after longing to hold my baby for 2 weeks, we had him out for a good hour and I didnt want him to go back. Blood tests showed he picked up sepsis an infection in the blood it was caused from all the wires and couldn't be helped, so he was put back on the ventilator to help him fight the infection. During this time he suffered renal failure again. Fortunately he managed to pull through this but it was very worrying time and i can't help but think this could have weakened his system even more. The doctor arranaged for a Cardiologist to come and he decided Ben would need the operation. After the sepsis had cleared we began to prepare Ben for his transfer to St Michaels Hospital in Bristol where the operation would be carried out, they took some routine bloods and we had to await the results. The blood results came back showing that Bens infection leverls we high and until these had gone down he couldn't be transferred. After many tests they could not find what was causing the levels to increase but they gave him antibiotics to cover all infections. By this time Ben had started on feeds and was tolerating them well and everyday they were being increased and he had even started to gain weight, we were heading in the right direction, surely it was only a matter of time before we would have our little boy home.
On Friday 13th February 2009 we spent the day with Ben, hoping that his infections levels would go down, to no avail. It was 8pm before we decided to leave so we said our good nights and started to walk up the corridoor. Even thougt the doctor had previously expressed slight concern that Ben had not passed any stools for two weeks, they didn't seem too worried as they said he had only just started feeds and it can take a while for the gut to work. As we got to the end of the corridoor one of the registrar's came shouting after us, the consultant wanted to have a talk with us. We knew something wasn't right. He informed us that they were concerned about the size of Bens tummy so they took an x-ray. The x-ray showed that his bowel was extended and there was a shaddow which showed alot of gas pressent. He said he was hoping that it wasn't Necrotizing enterocolitis but just incase he was going to transfer Ben to a unit with surgical facilities. Once again we felt our worlds come crashing down, we had heard about NEC and new that it was a nasty infection and that tiny babies found it hard to fight.
Ben was transferred to the Heath Hospital in Cardiff. They settled him down and then the surgeon came to examin him. We had to wait in a room at the end of the unit, it felt like they were hiding something from us. It was ages before we knew what the surgeon thought and even longer before we could go and see Ben, some of our family came down to support us. The surgeon then came to tell us that she had repeated the x-ray and wanted our consent to take Ben into theatre as she needed to see exactly what was going on, I just sat there in daze as she talked us through the procedure and the consequences it can have. Mathew had to sign the consent form I was in too much of state. They prepared Ben for theatre and we followed them down, we were shown to a small waiting room. The hours seemed to pass so slowly and all me and Mathew could do was cling to each other in hope that it was all going to be ok.
When the procedure was over the surgeon came to see us I knew straight away that it wasnt good, she told us that Ben had NEC and that his bowel was in a very bad way, she told us that at pressent there was nothing she could do and we would be very luckly if he survived the next 48hours. That was it, how could it be, how would I live without my little boy I just cried and cried.
The next day Ben was etreemly poorly and we decided to get him christened, Bens grandparents were his God parents and the chaplin was lovely. We had Ben out for cuddles and lots of pictures were taken. The day was such an emotional one we didn't know what to expect but in true Ben style he picked up and carried on fighting and began to make huge progress his ventilation came down although he was very swollen. Over next two days Ben suprised everyone.
From the day he was transferred to Cardiff we had asked that if any point they thought Ben wasn't going to pull through could they transfer him back home to the Royal Gwent so that he would be near his family.
On Tuesday 17th February he became really poorly again and began to deteriorate rapidly. We weren't told much about what was happening and I was getting really stressed and demanded to know what was going on. The surgeon came around to see us and took us to the quiet room, he imformed us that Ben was in a bad way and that they could take him in theatre but he didnt think they would find anything different to before and that he didnt think Ben would pull though and that there was a high chance of him dying on the operating table. He then gave option to take Ben home, that was when I knew I was going to loose my little boy forever! We made our decison and after wards the surgeon told us we made the right one, our little boy had been through so much and it wasn't fair to put him through more pain. Arrangments were made and Ben was transferred back to the Royal Gwent. All our family were there waiting for us, Ben was stable through out the journey home and settled in quickly, he knew he was home. We had a few hours with him and he was contiuing to fight but we knew that we were just pro-longing the inevetable and we could see how much he was suffering. The doctor came to see us and told us how bad things were and that he was just going to get alot worse so that was when we knew we had to do what was right for our little boy even though it was a hard decision to make and one I will never come to terms with. We informed all the family and they went to say their good byes everyone was in a state. Then Mathew and me had some special time with our boy, we cried and told him how much we loved him and that we wish he didn't have to leave us. We cuddled him for an hour, he opened his eyes and was looking at us, it was like he knew. Then the time had come to withdraw his life support. I remember them saying to us let us know when your ready but I was never ready. Ben lasted 15 minutes after the ventilator was removed and he went peacefully with a smile on his face in my arms. Part of me and Mathew went with him that night, our hearts are broken forever. His little heart stopped beating at 5am Wednesday 18th February he was only 5 weeks old.
After they removed all the wires, we helped to bath him, they weighed him we were all shocked by how much weight he had gained he was 2lb14oz and they meassured him 13.5 inches long. We then got to dress him, he had a white baby grow, little white cardigain and hat and we put some mitttens on him so you couldn't see the marks on his hands. We took many pictures. This was the first and last time we got to see our little boy dressed. We then took him to meet the family, I rememeber walking out of ITU and all our families were in the corridoor waiting I had our little boy inmy arms and Mathew carried the moses basket we were so proud of him this was the first and only time many of the family got to meet our son. We spent that day with Ben before we had to give him up forever. The next few day I kept myself busy with all the funeral arrangments and found it hard to except my baby had gone.
His funeral was on Wednesday 4th March. I dont remember much about that day I was in a daze. Mathew carried his tiny white coffin in to the church and we had Wires by athlete played during the service. As Mathew carried him out we had Brahms lullabye playing. There was alot of people at the church more than we expected and they all came to the cemetry our boy had the send off he deserved, where Mathew helped lower our son to the ground. We had Ben put in a family plot so that we could all be together again one day.
Ben would've been home with his mummy and daddy now which is so hard to face. I go to his grave once a week and even though i find it easier to talk about him now the pain of losing him will never go away. I think of him constantly. He was my first child and I will never forget him or replace him he will always be kept in my heart.

* ☆ * Baby boy, mummy and daddy love you so much and always will. We promise never to forget you and we will always keep your memory alive. Sleep tight our angel we will be together again one day we promise! * ☆ *

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